As parents we are in uncharted waters when it comes to supporting our children through a global pandemic. If that makes you feel overwhelmed, take a deep breath and remind yourself we are all in this together. No one is doing this perfectly, and that’s okay. Fortunately, there is plenty of research about what is most effective when it comes to supporting ourselves and our children through difficult times.
What we know is that now (and always) one of the most important gifts we can give our children is a sense of calm and security. Our children are looking to us for signs that what is happening will be okay.
If we project panic and fear, they will be afraid. If we stay in control of our emotions and project calm, they will feel safe.
When children feel safe their resiliency increases.
To create a sense of safety you have to do two things:
- preventatively reduce stress levels in your home and
- become aware of the signs you are becoming upset in the moment so you can actively choose to calm down.
This is easier said than done but setting an intention to get better at this every day will have a very positive impact on your own emotional well-being and the emotional well being of your family.
The following parenting tips will reduce stress in your home so that your connection with your children will remain intact and the effects of the Corona Virus on your kids will be minimized. These tips will also be relevant long after the virus has passed.
Self-Care: Put on Your Own Oxygen Mask First
In order to parent well under the stress of the pandemic you have to make taking care of yourself a priority. This means eating right and getting enough sleep. It means putting down your cell phone and turning off the news. It means carving out down time to exercise, have fun, and connect with friends virtually. It also means recognizing when you are nearing your limit so you can ask for help. If you prioritize each of these things you will be modeling important lessons for your kids. From there you can support them as they make similar choices to take care of themselves.
Establish a Routine and Adjust Your Expectations
One of the best things you can do to reduce stress is create a routine with a daily schedule. Keep it simple and be flexible if things don’t go as planned. Start with the time you and your kids wake up and go to bed.Add in meal times and try to keep all of that consistent from day to day. After that you can identify what else needs to get done (household stuff, work, school) and prioritize what is most important. Don’t aim for perfection and learn to let go of the things that don’t matter. As you add in other activities for your children, come up with 3-5 choices for each to limit arguing. For instance, during “art time” give your kids a choice of chalk on the driveway, finger paints, playdough or window markers. This is a win-win because your kids get to pick what they want to do from options you have already approved.
Make a Family Plan for How to Handle Rising Emotions
Despite your best efforts, emotions will run high, your children will misbehave, and tempers will flare. To prepare for the inevitable blow ups have family meeting when everyone is calm. Make a plan for how to call a “time out” when someone notices upset feelings. Get creative and think of a code word to yell that makes everyone laugh. When that word is used everyone should separate and take a break. Once everyone feels calmer you can come back together and have a “redo.” Practice this a few times during the family meeting so that everyone knows what to do when emotions heat up.
Learn How to Actively Calm Down When You are Upset
The first goal is to start to notice when you are getting upset before you lose your temper. Think about what tends to trigger you and make a list of those things. Think about what happens in your body and what your behaviors are when you are upset.For example, do you get hot? Do your muscles in your jaw and shoulders tighten? Do you start speaking louder and more quickly? Becoming aware of your patterns will help you navigate tricky situations.
Once You Know Your Patterns Follow These Steps as Soon as You Notice You Are Starting To Lose Control:
Step 1: Name It
Say to yourself “I am stressed out and I feel angry my son was rude. If I stay here I will lose my temper and that will only make things worse. This is my pattern and I know what to do.”
Step 2: Slow Down and Create Space for Your Reaction
Take a deep breath in and exhale it slowly like you are blowing out of a straw.Tell your family you are taking a moment to yourself and go outside or splash some cold water on your face.
Step 3: Validate Your Own Emotions
Treat yourself with compassion. Remind yourself that it is okay to feel angry. As you stay with this emotion, the tension will ease as you start to settle.
Step 4: Come Back to Your Family and Share Your Calm
Feelings are contagious so when you are upset everyone is upset. This also means that when you are calm and in control everyone’s nervous systems start to settle.
Step 5: Validate Your Child’s Emotions
If your little ones are still upset, name what they are feeling and let them know that you understand.
These steps are a road map for handling the big emotions and stress that this pandemic has caused. As you practice them don’t worry about making mistakes or getting them perfect. Slow down, be gentle with yourself, and remember that if you project calm your kids will feel safe.
Amanda Zaidman is Licensed Clinical Social Worker and mother of two in Charlotte, NC with a Masters degree in Social Work from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a Bachelors degree in Psychology from Duke University. She has extensive experience as a behavioral therapist working with children and their parents in a variety of settings. Using mindfulness, a strengths based approach and a Somatic Experiencing Model she helps families build on what is already going well and make changes that are in line with your families unique strengths and values.
